26 Jul 2007, ST Life
An American psychiatrist says we pay too much attention to what we say, not enough to how we act
By Loh Keng Fatt
D R GORDON Livingston has provided a listening ear for 30 years. The American is a psychiatrist and people come to him to unburden their fears, fantasies and problems.
He himself is not immune to life's trials and tribulations. In one tragic 13-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide and his youngest to leukaemia. He also has four grown children.
His life experiences spurred him to write Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, which nails down the truth that life is too short and unpredictable to idle away. Here's an excerpt.
'I tend to confront patients who talk about changing their lives but do not take concrete steps to do so.
I often ask them whether their latest plan to do something different is a real expression of intent, or simply a wish.
The latter can be entertaining and distracting but should not be confused with reality.
Religious transformation aside, alteration of our attitudes and behaviour is a slow process. Change is incremental.
Look at any successful prison break and you will see plenty of imagination, hours of planning, often months, even years, of slow progress towards freedom.
We may not admire the people who do this but their ingenuity and determination are lessons for us all.
One of the most difficult things to ascertain when confronted with a person seeking therapy is their readiness to change, their willingness to exercise the fortitude that is necessary to do so.
Some people seek help for reasons other than actually changing their lives. We live in a society that has elevated complaint to a primary form of public discourse.
The airwaves and courts are full of victims of this and that: childhood abuse, mistakes of others, random misfortune.
Voluntary behaviours have been reclassified as illness so that sufferers can be pitied and, where possible, compensated.
Not surprisingly, many of these people appear in psychiatrists' offices expecting a sympathetic ear and medication that will relieve their feelings of distress.
Often, they want testimony to support lawsuits or letters to excuse them from work. They are not there to engage in the difficult process of examining their lives, taking responsibility for their feelings, deciding what they need to do to be happy - and doing it.
People mistake thoughts, wishes and intentions for actual change. This confusion between words and actions clouds the therapeutic process.
Confusion may indeed be good for the soul but unless it is accompanied by altered behaviour, it remains only words in the air.
We are a verbal species, fond of conveying our minutest thoughts. We attach excessive importance to promises.
Whenever, as happens frequently, I point out to people the discrepancy between what they say they want and what they actually do, the response is surprise and sometimes outrage that I will not take their expressions of intent at face value but prefer to focus on the only communication that can be trusted: behaviour.
The disconnect between what we say and what we do is not merely a measure of hypocrisy, since we usually believe our statements of good intent.
We simply pay too much attention to words - ours and others' - and not enough to the actions that really define us.
The walls of our self-constructed prisons are made up in equal parts of our fear of risk and our dream that the world and the people in it will conform to our fondest wishes.'
# Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is available for loan from The National Library Board under the call number 158 LIV.
# Books For The Soul is a weekly column that highlights books which move, comfort or inspire.
An American psychiatrist says we pay too much attention to what we say, not enough to how we act
By Loh Keng Fatt
D R GORDON Livingston has provided a listening ear for 30 years. The American is a psychiatrist and people come to him to unburden their fears, fantasies and problems.
He himself is not immune to life's trials and tribulations. In one tragic 13-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide and his youngest to leukaemia. He also has four grown children.
His life experiences spurred him to write Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, which nails down the truth that life is too short and unpredictable to idle away. Here's an excerpt.
'I tend to confront patients who talk about changing their lives but do not take concrete steps to do so.
I often ask them whether their latest plan to do something different is a real expression of intent, or simply a wish.
The latter can be entertaining and distracting but should not be confused with reality.
Religious transformation aside, alteration of our attitudes and behaviour is a slow process. Change is incremental.
Look at any successful prison break and you will see plenty of imagination, hours of planning, often months, even years, of slow progress towards freedom.
We may not admire the people who do this but their ingenuity and determination are lessons for us all.
One of the most difficult things to ascertain when confronted with a person seeking therapy is their readiness to change, their willingness to exercise the fortitude that is necessary to do so.
Some people seek help for reasons other than actually changing their lives. We live in a society that has elevated complaint to a primary form of public discourse.
The airwaves and courts are full of victims of this and that: childhood abuse, mistakes of others, random misfortune.
Voluntary behaviours have been reclassified as illness so that sufferers can be pitied and, where possible, compensated.
Not surprisingly, many of these people appear in psychiatrists' offices expecting a sympathetic ear and medication that will relieve their feelings of distress.
Often, they want testimony to support lawsuits or letters to excuse them from work. They are not there to engage in the difficult process of examining their lives, taking responsibility for their feelings, deciding what they need to do to be happy - and doing it.
People mistake thoughts, wishes and intentions for actual change. This confusion between words and actions clouds the therapeutic process.
Confusion may indeed be good for the soul but unless it is accompanied by altered behaviour, it remains only words in the air.
We are a verbal species, fond of conveying our minutest thoughts. We attach excessive importance to promises.
Whenever, as happens frequently, I point out to people the discrepancy between what they say they want and what they actually do, the response is surprise and sometimes outrage that I will not take their expressions of intent at face value but prefer to focus on the only communication that can be trusted: behaviour.
The disconnect between what we say and what we do is not merely a measure of hypocrisy, since we usually believe our statements of good intent.
We simply pay too much attention to words - ours and others' - and not enough to the actions that really define us.
The walls of our self-constructed prisons are made up in equal parts of our fear of risk and our dream that the world and the people in it will conform to our fondest wishes.'
# Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is available for loan from The National Library Board under the call number 158 LIV.
# Books For The Soul is a weekly column that highlights books which move, comfort or inspire.
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