04 Jul 2007, ST, Mind Your Body
Wendy Chua K. Wand
for Mind Your Body
The writer is the founder of Wand Inspiration and author of All Kids R Gifted, life coachand founder of Wand inspiration.Her latest inspirational self-help book, Break To Dawn: New chanllenges, New Commitments, is available at Kinokuniya
Q I am 44 years old. I divorced my first wife in 1992, had epilepsy surgery in 1994, and re-married in 1996. I have a nine-year-old daughter.
In the last few years, my wife has not been satisfied with her life with me. She thinks I am useless, do not think far ahead and only have a fixed income. She feels that she is just a housewife and is always making comparisons with others.
Our sex life is under attack too. Whenever we have sex, it seems I cannot give her what she wants. After sex, she nags me.
Sometimes, I think of separating from her but do not because of our only daughter. I am thinking that one day I might end my life. I really don't know what to do to make this family a happy one. Do give me advice.
----------------------------------
A It is not easy for a man to reach out for help, and I would like to thank you for being open with your challenges. It takes a lot of courage to face your fears and to seek advice.
It is hard for a man to hear his wife belittle his ability to provide financial and sexual satisfaction.
To help you regain some of your self-confidence, ask yourself:
>>When you think back to 1996, what were the qualities in you that she admired, respected and love?
>>What would be some nice things your daughter would say about you now?
In addition, you need to spend some time reviewing your life events so you learn from the past and be wiser in the present. It is possible that you entered your second marriage without learning from the mistakes made during your first.
What were the factors that led to the breakdown of your first marriage? Was it poor communication skills, lack of appreciation, low self-worth, adultery or a combination of factors?
Once you have examined the reasons that led to your divorce, ask yourself if the pattern is repeating itself here. Have you stopped communicating, stopped appreciating or stopped romancing? Have you stopped being sexually intimate with your wife? Have you allowed your confidence to be beaten down?
If you see a pattern in your behaviour, then you need to help yourself get out of that pattern and learn new behaviour and attitudes that will strengthen yourself and your marriage. A good counsellor will help you. You may want to see one by yourself. Don't see getting counselling as a weak and unmanly thing to do, but rather as a process that will help you develop your personal worth and power.
Then there is your career. You may be feeling depressed because your wife keeps telling you that you are not doing well in your career. Most people have only one income, so you should not feel that is abnormal.
Nevertheless, you may want to think about how you can develop your career further. You are not too old to learn new skills or upgrade them. You did not say what your job is. If you have a manager, I suggest that you have a conversation with him regarding the opportunities there are for you to get ahead in your role, in terms of new skills, areas of improvement and career advancement open to you.
Instead of focusing on your wife's negative comments, it is more positive and empowering to work on improving yourself. For a man, doing well at work boosts his ego, and that will help him to feel more confident at home.
Your wife needs to stop comparing herself with others. If she is not satisfied with being a housewife, what work can she do part-time? Perhaps she is lacking confidence and purpose in life. As your daughter grows older, she needs her mummy less. Your wife may feel sad that she is losing her worth as a mother. Would you be comfortable with her working part-time?
As for your sexual performance, you may want to check with your doctor if you have any physical side effects from epilepsy that can affect you sexually. Then to satisfy your wife, ask her what she would like you to do to give her more enjoyment. Take time to discover her desires and share yours with her. Also, women enjoy cuddling 'after sex'. She may be trying to tell you that she wants you to hold her tenderly then.
Finally, there is no good reason to end your life. There is always hope and possibilities. Since you have reached out for advice, you are taking a powerful step to helping yourself.
Despite your epilepsy, your past and your fears, you can make a difference to your daughter, wife and yourself. Believe that for all your weaknesses, you actually have a lot of compassion and courage to create meaning and love in your life.
Wendy Chua K. Wand
for Mind Your Body
The writer is the founder of Wand Inspiration and author of All Kids R Gifted, life coachand founder of Wand inspiration.Her latest inspirational self-help book, Break To Dawn: New chanllenges, New Commitments, is available at Kinokuniya
Q I am 44 years old. I divorced my first wife in 1992, had epilepsy surgery in 1994, and re-married in 1996. I have a nine-year-old daughter.
In the last few years, my wife has not been satisfied with her life with me. She thinks I am useless, do not think far ahead and only have a fixed income. She feels that she is just a housewife and is always making comparisons with others.
Our sex life is under attack too. Whenever we have sex, it seems I cannot give her what she wants. After sex, she nags me.
Sometimes, I think of separating from her but do not because of our only daughter. I am thinking that one day I might end my life. I really don't know what to do to make this family a happy one. Do give me advice.
----------------------------------
A It is not easy for a man to reach out for help, and I would like to thank you for being open with your challenges. It takes a lot of courage to face your fears and to seek advice.
It is hard for a man to hear his wife belittle his ability to provide financial and sexual satisfaction.
To help you regain some of your self-confidence, ask yourself:
>>When you think back to 1996, what were the qualities in you that she admired, respected and love?
>>What would be some nice things your daughter would say about you now?
In addition, you need to spend some time reviewing your life events so you learn from the past and be wiser in the present. It is possible that you entered your second marriage without learning from the mistakes made during your first.
What were the factors that led to the breakdown of your first marriage? Was it poor communication skills, lack of appreciation, low self-worth, adultery or a combination of factors?
Once you have examined the reasons that led to your divorce, ask yourself if the pattern is repeating itself here. Have you stopped communicating, stopped appreciating or stopped romancing? Have you stopped being sexually intimate with your wife? Have you allowed your confidence to be beaten down?
If you see a pattern in your behaviour, then you need to help yourself get out of that pattern and learn new behaviour and attitudes that will strengthen yourself and your marriage. A good counsellor will help you. You may want to see one by yourself. Don't see getting counselling as a weak and unmanly thing to do, but rather as a process that will help you develop your personal worth and power.
Then there is your career. You may be feeling depressed because your wife keeps telling you that you are not doing well in your career. Most people have only one income, so you should not feel that is abnormal.
Nevertheless, you may want to think about how you can develop your career further. You are not too old to learn new skills or upgrade them. You did not say what your job is. If you have a manager, I suggest that you have a conversation with him regarding the opportunities there are for you to get ahead in your role, in terms of new skills, areas of improvement and career advancement open to you.
Instead of focusing on your wife's negative comments, it is more positive and empowering to work on improving yourself. For a man, doing well at work boosts his ego, and that will help him to feel more confident at home.
Your wife needs to stop comparing herself with others. If she is not satisfied with being a housewife, what work can she do part-time? Perhaps she is lacking confidence and purpose in life. As your daughter grows older, she needs her mummy less. Your wife may feel sad that she is losing her worth as a mother. Would you be comfortable with her working part-time?
As for your sexual performance, you may want to check with your doctor if you have any physical side effects from epilepsy that can affect you sexually. Then to satisfy your wife, ask her what she would like you to do to give her more enjoyment. Take time to discover her desires and share yours with her. Also, women enjoy cuddling 'after sex'. She may be trying to tell you that she wants you to hold her tenderly then.
Finally, there is no good reason to end your life. There is always hope and possibilities. Since you have reached out for advice, you are taking a powerful step to helping yourself.
Despite your epilepsy, your past and your fears, you can make a difference to your daughter, wife and yourself. Believe that for all your weaknesses, you actually have a lot of compassion and courage to create meaning and love in your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment