23 Jul 2007, ST Life
I've always been dismissive of the relationship between my youngest brother and his girlfriend. But at their wedding recently, it dawned on me that what they have is what I've always dreamt of having
By Teo Cheng Wee, straighttalk
TWO weeks ago on 07/07/07, like scores of other Singaporeans, I attended a wedding.
If the bride and groom had been anybody else, I would have rolled my eyes at the cheesiness of holding the event on that date.
But I ignored all that because it was a special day. It was the first wedding in my immediate family as my youngest brother got married to his childhood sweetheart.
Like a proud parent, I found myself brimming with pride when I saw the two of them walking hand-in-hand down the aisle of the ballroom at the Meritus Mandarin Hotel, cheered on by some 500 people.
I suppose the feeling would be a natural one for most brothers, but not for me. A few years ago, I would probably have baulked at the thought of them tying the knot.
Indeed, my happiness that night showed just how far things have come as my relationship with my brother and his girlfriend had been cold for many years.
The most probable reason for this was that things started off on the wrong foot and matters just deteriorated from there.
They were all of 16 years old when they got together and my whole family viewed the relationship with suspicion.
My parents were unhappy as they wanted my brother to concentrate on his studies.
I was a bit peeved with both him (for being so blatantly defiant) and my parents (for being so blatantly lenient with him when I felt that they were much stricter with my activities).
The longer their relationship carried on, the more unhappy I became - and it showed.
During the early days of their courtship, she would ring him a few times a night - these were the days before every kid had a mobile phone - and I would get increasingly exasperated playing operator to the two lovebirds.
'It's your call. Again,' would be my usual disgruntled remark. Eventually, I got so tired of taking her phone calls that I would just let the phone ring, even if I was sitting next to it, and wait for my brother to run out of his room, scrambling for it.
Our relationship took another dip when my brother decided to move out of our home about five years ago. This was met with more disapproval from the family, more defiance from him and ultimately more unhappiness all around.
We never spoke openly about our feelings, so we raged a cold war. I hardly spoke to his girlfriend for many years - unless the occasional grunt counted - and they didn't really try to be friendly with me either.
It would not have been impossible. My second brother was more amicable and got along fine with the couple.
I made things hard by putting on a stern front. I felt he was deliberately distancing himself from the family by moving out and viewed it as a form of betrayal.
In hindsight, I realise that when there was so much displeasure at home, one can hardly blame them for not wanting to come back to a host of disapproving looks.
But I think the reason I never cared to be part of their relationship was because I was convinced it would never last.
In fact, I don't think anybody in my family thought it would. We were quite certain that this puppy love would run its course in a few years, especially when the relationship appeared rocky early on and we witnessed several angry exchanges over the phone.
THE first change in my attitude came about three years ago.
My brother was then 23, had completed his national service and was more than qualified to be an adult.
Yet I still didn't see him as anything more than a rebellious teenager - until I found out that they were going to register their marriage.
By then, our relationship had soured to the point where I had to hear about it from my mother instead of him.
Curiously, I wasn't upset. Instead, I felt as if a veil had been lifted and I could finally see my brother and his girlfriend for what they were - two people who were truly in love.
Before that, I had never imagined them as mature adults ready to commit a lifetime to each other.
Why didn't I realise this earlier? Maybe because we never hung out enough for me to witness it myself. Maybe because I mentally blocked out that possibility. I don't know.
But the ice started thawing. And once you see each other as family rather than enemy, attitudes and behaviours change and the bonds start re-forming.
During his wedding dinner two weeks ago, another truth dawned on me.
Ironically, I realised that their relationship - which I had dismissed in the past - is actually one that I had always been yearning for.
I have always harboured the ideal that true love is one where you meet your first and only love, build up the relationship through many years of bonding, weather numerous storms and ultimately get married with no doubt in your minds that you were always meant for each other.
Such a scenario had in fact been playing itself out in front of my eyes all these years, yet the wedding I had always been opposed to turned out to be the wedding I myself had always wanted.
So to my brother Xian and his wife Shan, I'm really happy for you and here's to a Happy Ever After.
I can only hope that my love story will be as beautiful as yours.
I've always been dismissive of the relationship between my youngest brother and his girlfriend. But at their wedding recently, it dawned on me that what they have is what I've always dreamt of having
By Teo Cheng Wee, straighttalk
TWO weeks ago on 07/07/07, like scores of other Singaporeans, I attended a wedding.
If the bride and groom had been anybody else, I would have rolled my eyes at the cheesiness of holding the event on that date.
But I ignored all that because it was a special day. It was the first wedding in my immediate family as my youngest brother got married to his childhood sweetheart.
Like a proud parent, I found myself brimming with pride when I saw the two of them walking hand-in-hand down the aisle of the ballroom at the Meritus Mandarin Hotel, cheered on by some 500 people.
I suppose the feeling would be a natural one for most brothers, but not for me. A few years ago, I would probably have baulked at the thought of them tying the knot.
Indeed, my happiness that night showed just how far things have come as my relationship with my brother and his girlfriend had been cold for many years.
The most probable reason for this was that things started off on the wrong foot and matters just deteriorated from there.
They were all of 16 years old when they got together and my whole family viewed the relationship with suspicion.
My parents were unhappy as they wanted my brother to concentrate on his studies.
I was a bit peeved with both him (for being so blatantly defiant) and my parents (for being so blatantly lenient with him when I felt that they were much stricter with my activities).
The longer their relationship carried on, the more unhappy I became - and it showed.
During the early days of their courtship, she would ring him a few times a night - these were the days before every kid had a mobile phone - and I would get increasingly exasperated playing operator to the two lovebirds.
'It's your call. Again,' would be my usual disgruntled remark. Eventually, I got so tired of taking her phone calls that I would just let the phone ring, even if I was sitting next to it, and wait for my brother to run out of his room, scrambling for it.
Our relationship took another dip when my brother decided to move out of our home about five years ago. This was met with more disapproval from the family, more defiance from him and ultimately more unhappiness all around.
We never spoke openly about our feelings, so we raged a cold war. I hardly spoke to his girlfriend for many years - unless the occasional grunt counted - and they didn't really try to be friendly with me either.
It would not have been impossible. My second brother was more amicable and got along fine with the couple.
I made things hard by putting on a stern front. I felt he was deliberately distancing himself from the family by moving out and viewed it as a form of betrayal.
In hindsight, I realise that when there was so much displeasure at home, one can hardly blame them for not wanting to come back to a host of disapproving looks.
But I think the reason I never cared to be part of their relationship was because I was convinced it would never last.
In fact, I don't think anybody in my family thought it would. We were quite certain that this puppy love would run its course in a few years, especially when the relationship appeared rocky early on and we witnessed several angry exchanges over the phone.
THE first change in my attitude came about three years ago.
My brother was then 23, had completed his national service and was more than qualified to be an adult.
Yet I still didn't see him as anything more than a rebellious teenager - until I found out that they were going to register their marriage.
By then, our relationship had soured to the point where I had to hear about it from my mother instead of him.
Curiously, I wasn't upset. Instead, I felt as if a veil had been lifted and I could finally see my brother and his girlfriend for what they were - two people who were truly in love.
Before that, I had never imagined them as mature adults ready to commit a lifetime to each other.
Why didn't I realise this earlier? Maybe because we never hung out enough for me to witness it myself. Maybe because I mentally blocked out that possibility. I don't know.
But the ice started thawing. And once you see each other as family rather than enemy, attitudes and behaviours change and the bonds start re-forming.
During his wedding dinner two weeks ago, another truth dawned on me.
Ironically, I realised that their relationship - which I had dismissed in the past - is actually one that I had always been yearning for.
I have always harboured the ideal that true love is one where you meet your first and only love, build up the relationship through many years of bonding, weather numerous storms and ultimately get married with no doubt in your minds that you were always meant for each other.
Such a scenario had in fact been playing itself out in front of my eyes all these years, yet the wedding I had always been opposed to turned out to be the wedding I myself had always wanted.
So to my brother Xian and his wife Shan, I'm really happy for you and here's to a Happy Ever After.
I can only hope that my love story will be as beautiful as yours.
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