23 Aug 2007, ST
The scariest bullies aren't always found in school. Psychologist Albert Bernstein explains how you can handle enemies in a mature manner
By Loh Keng Fatt
IF YOU thought you had escaped bullies when you left school, you probably know better now that you haven't seen the last of them yet.
The fact is that bullies could be your colleagues at work, your bosses and even your friends.
That's why American psychologist Albert Bernstein has written books that arm people with self-defence tips on how to handle these pesky enemies.
In his 2001 book Emotional Vampires he tackles the problem of people who try to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. Here's an excerpt:
TO DEFEAT bullies, you have to do what they don't. Namely, stay cool and keep your wits about you. Here's some advice that may help.
Ask for time to think: Only in the primitive jungle do you have to respond to attacks immediately. That's where the vampire wants to send you but there's no law saying that you have to go.
Normal people don't get angrier at you if you ask for a minute to think things over. By your actions you are communicating that you take the situation seriously and want to handle it well.
Vampires may try some other device to get you to respond in an immediate, emotional manner. They want a fight, not a rational discussion. They may mistake your silence for freezing up with terror, which you may be, but you don't have to let them know it.
Whatever you're feeling, just asking for a couple of minutes to think things over is usually so unexpected that you may be able to end the confrontation right there.
No matter what, take your time and think before you respond.
Think about what you want to happen: While you're taking your minute to think, consider the possible outcomes. Immediately discard any that involve making the bully back down and admit that you're right.
You cannot be right and effective at the same time. Don't even try.
Get the bully to stop yelling: Actually, this is easier than you might think. Just keeping your own voice soft may do the trick. Bullies expect you to yell back; don't oblige them.
If either of you is yelling, nothing reasonable will be said.
Another unexpected way to get a bully to stop yelling is by saying: 'Please speak more slowly; I'd like to understand.'
Often, people will comply with this request without thinking about it. Reducing the speed will also reduce the volume.
Have you ever tried to yell slowly? This strategy works particularly well on the phone.
On the phone, also remember the 'uh-huh' rule. We usually respond with uh-huh when the other person takes a breath. If you go three breaths without saying uh-huh, the other person will stop and ask: Are you there?
Following this technique will allow you to interrupt without saying a word.
Whatever you do, don't explain: If you are ever attacked by a vampire bully, you may feel a powerful urge to explain the whys and wherefores of your own actions.
Don't do it. Explanations are the way that primitive responses sneak down from your reptile brain and out your mouth.
Explanations are usually a disguised form of fighting back or running away. The typical explanation boils down to: If you know all the facts, you will see that I am right and you are wrong, or it wasn't my fault, you should be mad at somebody else. Never mind that your explanations seem true and reasonable to you.
Bullies always recognise the primitive patterns for dealing with aggression. They will see your explanation as an invitation to go for the jugular.
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# Emotional Vampires is available for loan from The National Library Board under the call number 158.2 BER.
# Books For The Soul is a weekly column that highlights books which move, comfort or inspire.
The scariest bullies aren't always found in school. Psychologist Albert Bernstein explains how you can handle enemies in a mature manner
By Loh Keng Fatt
IF YOU thought you had escaped bullies when you left school, you probably know better now that you haven't seen the last of them yet.
The fact is that bullies could be your colleagues at work, your bosses and even your friends.
That's why American psychologist Albert Bernstein has written books that arm people with self-defence tips on how to handle these pesky enemies.
In his 2001 book Emotional Vampires he tackles the problem of people who try to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. Here's an excerpt:
TO DEFEAT bullies, you have to do what they don't. Namely, stay cool and keep your wits about you. Here's some advice that may help.
Ask for time to think: Only in the primitive jungle do you have to respond to attacks immediately. That's where the vampire wants to send you but there's no law saying that you have to go.
Normal people don't get angrier at you if you ask for a minute to think things over. By your actions you are communicating that you take the situation seriously and want to handle it well.
Vampires may try some other device to get you to respond in an immediate, emotional manner. They want a fight, not a rational discussion. They may mistake your silence for freezing up with terror, which you may be, but you don't have to let them know it.
Whatever you're feeling, just asking for a couple of minutes to think things over is usually so unexpected that you may be able to end the confrontation right there.
No matter what, take your time and think before you respond.
Think about what you want to happen: While you're taking your minute to think, consider the possible outcomes. Immediately discard any that involve making the bully back down and admit that you're right.
You cannot be right and effective at the same time. Don't even try.
Get the bully to stop yelling: Actually, this is easier than you might think. Just keeping your own voice soft may do the trick. Bullies expect you to yell back; don't oblige them.
If either of you is yelling, nothing reasonable will be said.
Another unexpected way to get a bully to stop yelling is by saying: 'Please speak more slowly; I'd like to understand.'
Often, people will comply with this request without thinking about it. Reducing the speed will also reduce the volume.
Have you ever tried to yell slowly? This strategy works particularly well on the phone.
On the phone, also remember the 'uh-huh' rule. We usually respond with uh-huh when the other person takes a breath. If you go three breaths without saying uh-huh, the other person will stop and ask: Are you there?
Following this technique will allow you to interrupt without saying a word.
Whatever you do, don't explain: If you are ever attacked by a vampire bully, you may feel a powerful urge to explain the whys and wherefores of your own actions.
Don't do it. Explanations are the way that primitive responses sneak down from your reptile brain and out your mouth.
Explanations are usually a disguised form of fighting back or running away. The typical explanation boils down to: If you know all the facts, you will see that I am right and you are wrong, or it wasn't my fault, you should be mad at somebody else. Never mind that your explanations seem true and reasonable to you.
Bullies always recognise the primitive patterns for dealing with aggression. They will see your explanation as an invitation to go for the jugular.
-------------------------------
# Emotional Vampires is available for loan from The National Library Board under the call number 158.2 BER.
# Books For The Soul is a weekly column that highlights books which move, comfort or inspire.
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