19 Aug 2007, ST
By Tay Yek Keak
IN CASE you think there are no more myths or fairy tales left in this world apart from taxi cabs appearing at your feet like magic and Elvis being alive despite staying completely buried for 30 years, let me warn you that several myths are forming in our midst, even as you read this.
It's imperative to clear them up and explain the dangers that they pose.
1. Other people's debts do not concern us
This myth has been shattered spectacularly by the recent stock market crash.
Actually, the word 'crash' has not been used yet because, so far, nobody has jumped out of a building. Instead, milder terms such as 'correction', 'crisis' and 'collapse' have been bandied about in the hope that the shares would rebound. I'm also praying for that because, on paper, I've lost money to suicidal levels and, in my heart, I already jumped last Friday.
Because I took the trouble to find out what caused me to kill myself internally, I thought I'd share my Idiot's Guide analysis of the situation. It's very simple. In America, there are people who mortgage their homes to borrow money and they basically cannot repay their loans.
This affects us all the way here and even people in the Sahara Desert because our money is mixed somehow with theirs in this marvellous global contraption called the international banking system. The other day, I met my loan shark. I suddenly realised that he's a direct salesman who cuts out all pain-in-the-a** middlemen.
His economic system is absolutely brilliant. He lends me money, charges interest which makes me bankrupt, and when that happens, he beats me up. I'm banking with him from now on because, with his financial plan, at least I know who's killing me.
2. Catching the ball is always good
I'm referring to the ball which American baseball player Barry Bonds hit into the stands recently to break the much-revered record for home runs. If you don't know any of this, the guy is controversial because some people suspect him to be on steroids. So his new record is sort of tarnished in the way we still don't know if Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo because he was too short to spot the Prussian advance.
Anyway, the spectator who caught the ball has also snagged a huge tax bill of about 35 per cent of its potential sale price. Even if he doesn't sell the ball, he's still saddled with taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value because once he reached out and grabbed that thing, he took possession as income earned.
I find this technicality astounding because I always thought that if people give me free things, I should stick my hand out as long as I can. Here's the lesson: Next Chinese New Year when you receive hongbao, make sure they are tax-free. Get a letter from the giver stating this condition or else tell him to go to hell.
3. Exercise is good, too
You know, I always thought this to be true beyond truth itself until John Daly taught me otherwise.
John, for non-fat people who aren't familiar, is this 100kg tub who's quite good at playing golf although he's not as good as Tiger Woods. Tiger, who just won his 13th Major, said that physical fitness is absolutely critical. John, on the other hand, would rather smoke, eat, drink and go through three divorces.
He does however try to lose weight because he said he'd just drink and throw up. I find this regimen, practised by supermodels everywhere, to be quite sensible because I think secretly, John is enjoying life more than Tiger. Tiger hates losing down to his gut. John hates winning with an empty gut. I think John's method is easier to stomach.
4. Every footballer's wife shops
This myth has been debunked totally by tough footballer-turned-tougher Sunderland manager Roy Keane's recent tirade against henpecked footballers who let their wives and girlfriends - aka WAGs - dictate their careers based on shopping needs.
Roy, whose ideal role in history would have been Attila The Hun's best friend, scolded players who moved to London clubs for the shopping malls to please their spouses. In his world, if Hell had a great football team but a lousy shopping centre, he'd move there in a heartbeat.
I kind of admire Roy's attitude because he's clearly not one for WAG the dog. He'd dog the WAGs until they scream for mercy. Why this chap is not in the female-torture horror movie, Hostel 2, is beyond me.
5. Toy Story is a comedy
Actually, Toy Story, the cartoon with Tom Hanks' voice, is a comedy. But Toy Story, the Chinese version, is clearly not. Because so far, millions of China-made toys have been recalled, one boss committed suicide, and Polly Pocket could be re-named Polly Poison. Polly Pocket, a doll, is one of the toys being recalled here due either to dangerous lead content in its paint or tiny magnets which can be swallowed.
I have no worries because all my toys were bought before the recall.
I'm in good hands. I know my 50 Barbie dolls will always protect me and keep me safe.
By Tay Yek Keak
IN CASE you think there are no more myths or fairy tales left in this world apart from taxi cabs appearing at your feet like magic and Elvis being alive despite staying completely buried for 30 years, let me warn you that several myths are forming in our midst, even as you read this.
It's imperative to clear them up and explain the dangers that they pose.
1. Other people's debts do not concern us
This myth has been shattered spectacularly by the recent stock market crash.
Actually, the word 'crash' has not been used yet because, so far, nobody has jumped out of a building. Instead, milder terms such as 'correction', 'crisis' and 'collapse' have been bandied about in the hope that the shares would rebound. I'm also praying for that because, on paper, I've lost money to suicidal levels and, in my heart, I already jumped last Friday.
Because I took the trouble to find out what caused me to kill myself internally, I thought I'd share my Idiot's Guide analysis of the situation. It's very simple. In America, there are people who mortgage their homes to borrow money and they basically cannot repay their loans.
This affects us all the way here and even people in the Sahara Desert because our money is mixed somehow with theirs in this marvellous global contraption called the international banking system. The other day, I met my loan shark. I suddenly realised that he's a direct salesman who cuts out all pain-in-the-a** middlemen.
His economic system is absolutely brilliant. He lends me money, charges interest which makes me bankrupt, and when that happens, he beats me up. I'm banking with him from now on because, with his financial plan, at least I know who's killing me.
2. Catching the ball is always good
I'm referring to the ball which American baseball player Barry Bonds hit into the stands recently to break the much-revered record for home runs. If you don't know any of this, the guy is controversial because some people suspect him to be on steroids. So his new record is sort of tarnished in the way we still don't know if Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo because he was too short to spot the Prussian advance.
Anyway, the spectator who caught the ball has also snagged a huge tax bill of about 35 per cent of its potential sale price. Even if he doesn't sell the ball, he's still saddled with taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value because once he reached out and grabbed that thing, he took possession as income earned.
I find this technicality astounding because I always thought that if people give me free things, I should stick my hand out as long as I can. Here's the lesson: Next Chinese New Year when you receive hongbao, make sure they are tax-free. Get a letter from the giver stating this condition or else tell him to go to hell.
3. Exercise is good, too
You know, I always thought this to be true beyond truth itself until John Daly taught me otherwise.
John, for non-fat people who aren't familiar, is this 100kg tub who's quite good at playing golf although he's not as good as Tiger Woods. Tiger, who just won his 13th Major, said that physical fitness is absolutely critical. John, on the other hand, would rather smoke, eat, drink and go through three divorces.
He does however try to lose weight because he said he'd just drink and throw up. I find this regimen, practised by supermodels everywhere, to be quite sensible because I think secretly, John is enjoying life more than Tiger. Tiger hates losing down to his gut. John hates winning with an empty gut. I think John's method is easier to stomach.
4. Every footballer's wife shops
This myth has been debunked totally by tough footballer-turned-tougher Sunderland manager Roy Keane's recent tirade against henpecked footballers who let their wives and girlfriends - aka WAGs - dictate their careers based on shopping needs.
Roy, whose ideal role in history would have been Attila The Hun's best friend, scolded players who moved to London clubs for the shopping malls to please their spouses. In his world, if Hell had a great football team but a lousy shopping centre, he'd move there in a heartbeat.
I kind of admire Roy's attitude because he's clearly not one for WAG the dog. He'd dog the WAGs until they scream for mercy. Why this chap is not in the female-torture horror movie, Hostel 2, is beyond me.
5. Toy Story is a comedy
Actually, Toy Story, the cartoon with Tom Hanks' voice, is a comedy. But Toy Story, the Chinese version, is clearly not. Because so far, millions of China-made toys have been recalled, one boss committed suicide, and Polly Pocket could be re-named Polly Poison. Polly Pocket, a doll, is one of the toys being recalled here due either to dangerous lead content in its paint or tiny magnets which can be swallowed.
I have no worries because all my toys were bought before the recall.
I'm in good hands. I know my 50 Barbie dolls will always protect me and keep me safe.
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