08 Aug 2007, ST, Mind Your Body
Wendy Chua K. Wand
for Mind Your Body
The writer is author of All Kids R Gifted, a life coach and founder of Wand Inspiration. Her latest inspirational self-help book is Break To Dawn: New Challenges, New Commitments.
Q I accidentally found my husband browsing photos and e-mail sent by another woman. When I confronted him, he insisted it was all innocent. I insisted on seeing his e-mail mailbox and saw that there were e-mail messages from other women and he had adopted a pseudonym.
I could not believe it, but maybe it explains why he has not been interested in having sex with me for many years. Has he been having affairs to satisfy his sexual needs instead?
In the past, I have confronted him about our lack of a sex life but he always said that his diabetic medication left him with no sexual urge.
I do not doubt his love for the children, but I cannot believe how he has deceived me, his wife. I told my young children that I felt cheated by their father and told them that I was considering seeking a divorce. They pleaded with me not to.
Weeks have passed since I confronted my husband. He chooses to keep quiet, yet is still claiming his innocence. I have no one to turn to, and the situation is affecting my children.
If I opt for a divorce, will I get custody of my children and receive maintenance fees?
Do I have to find a lawyer? How much will the legal fees cost? We are both contributing towards the HDB flat, so what will happen to it? I am really lost.
A Have you actually decided that you want a divorce? You are already asking about your HDB flat and legal fees.
A marriage is more than an HDB flat. And closing down a marriage is more than the price of lawyers and a flat. Before you make a rash decision, step back and reflect for a while.
If you had not discovered those photos, would you say your marriage was good?
It sounds like you were already unhappy with your lack of sex for years. Yet, you have not sought counselling or help to communicate your feelings constructively.
If your husband has difficulty in his sexual performance, he would be feeling very embarrassed and depressed, and even angry. If you were to demand sex from him, or belittle him, that would worsen your relationship with him.
What if he is no longer attracted to you? This is a harsh question which must be addressed. How attractive have you kept yourself - physically and emotionally?
I think that when you found those pictures of other women, your self-esteem got hit badly. You are feeling insecure and inferior to the women in those photos. He may be telling the truth about not having affairs. He may be enjoying the sight of the photos.
Most men are visual - they will look at attractive women. Most men only look, with their integrity keeping them sexually and emotionally faithful to their partners.
Even if he is not having an affair, you feel betrayed because you would expect him to desire no other women but you. You need to deal with your own feelings and communicate them through the right channels.
Since your discovery, you have avoided communicating with him. He is also avoiding talking about it, for his own reasons. Perhaps he is confused, embarrassed, angry, lost himself.
So you end up communicating your hurt to your children. It is not right for you to confide in young children this way.
They are innocent and too young to understand your feelings.
Of course, they would want their parents to stay together. You are planting insecurity in them by telling them your own fears. You are also possibly turning them against their own father. DO NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN AS WEAPONS.
You need to speak to an adult who is neutral and objective. Walk in to a family service centre and ask to see a counsellor. You can go there alone, because you need to know what you really want and to face your own fears. If you find out that you want to save and enrich your marriage, you will find ways to improve yourself and your relationship with your husband.
If you are physically abused, and despite your efforts to save the marriage, your husband is not interested in the marriage, then your counsellor can help you find the strength to move on.
In your soul searching, think of the qualities that you do love about your husband. Think of the qualities you show to him. If he is truly not having affairs, then I strongly advise that you focus on the good parts of your marriage and work to build upon those strengths.
If all you are thinking about is divorce, without thinking through ways of staying married, and improving your marriage, you are jumping the gun.
Perhaps your husband wants you to find those photos, so take that as a sign that you both need to address the problems in your marriage, and to do something to solve those problems.
It is also an opportunity to find the love and strength to set new and better directions for your marriage.
Wendy Chua K. Wand
for Mind Your Body
The writer is author of All Kids R Gifted, a life coach and founder of Wand Inspiration. Her latest inspirational self-help book is Break To Dawn: New Challenges, New Commitments.
Q I accidentally found my husband browsing photos and e-mail sent by another woman. When I confronted him, he insisted it was all innocent. I insisted on seeing his e-mail mailbox and saw that there were e-mail messages from other women and he had adopted a pseudonym.
I could not believe it, but maybe it explains why he has not been interested in having sex with me for many years. Has he been having affairs to satisfy his sexual needs instead?
In the past, I have confronted him about our lack of a sex life but he always said that his diabetic medication left him with no sexual urge.
I do not doubt his love for the children, but I cannot believe how he has deceived me, his wife. I told my young children that I felt cheated by their father and told them that I was considering seeking a divorce. They pleaded with me not to.
Weeks have passed since I confronted my husband. He chooses to keep quiet, yet is still claiming his innocence. I have no one to turn to, and the situation is affecting my children.
If I opt for a divorce, will I get custody of my children and receive maintenance fees?
Do I have to find a lawyer? How much will the legal fees cost? We are both contributing towards the HDB flat, so what will happen to it? I am really lost.
A Have you actually decided that you want a divorce? You are already asking about your HDB flat and legal fees.
A marriage is more than an HDB flat. And closing down a marriage is more than the price of lawyers and a flat. Before you make a rash decision, step back and reflect for a while.
If you had not discovered those photos, would you say your marriage was good?
It sounds like you were already unhappy with your lack of sex for years. Yet, you have not sought counselling or help to communicate your feelings constructively.
If your husband has difficulty in his sexual performance, he would be feeling very embarrassed and depressed, and even angry. If you were to demand sex from him, or belittle him, that would worsen your relationship with him.
What if he is no longer attracted to you? This is a harsh question which must be addressed. How attractive have you kept yourself - physically and emotionally?
I think that when you found those pictures of other women, your self-esteem got hit badly. You are feeling insecure and inferior to the women in those photos. He may be telling the truth about not having affairs. He may be enjoying the sight of the photos.
Most men are visual - they will look at attractive women. Most men only look, with their integrity keeping them sexually and emotionally faithful to their partners.
Even if he is not having an affair, you feel betrayed because you would expect him to desire no other women but you. You need to deal with your own feelings and communicate them through the right channels.
Since your discovery, you have avoided communicating with him. He is also avoiding talking about it, for his own reasons. Perhaps he is confused, embarrassed, angry, lost himself.
So you end up communicating your hurt to your children. It is not right for you to confide in young children this way.
They are innocent and too young to understand your feelings.
Of course, they would want their parents to stay together. You are planting insecurity in them by telling them your own fears. You are also possibly turning them against their own father. DO NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN AS WEAPONS.
You need to speak to an adult who is neutral and objective. Walk in to a family service centre and ask to see a counsellor. You can go there alone, because you need to know what you really want and to face your own fears. If you find out that you want to save and enrich your marriage, you will find ways to improve yourself and your relationship with your husband.
If you are physically abused, and despite your efforts to save the marriage, your husband is not interested in the marriage, then your counsellor can help you find the strength to move on.
In your soul searching, think of the qualities that you do love about your husband. Think of the qualities you show to him. If he is truly not having affairs, then I strongly advise that you focus on the good parts of your marriage and work to build upon those strengths.
If all you are thinking about is divorce, without thinking through ways of staying married, and improving your marriage, you are jumping the gun.
Perhaps your husband wants you to find those photos, so take that as a sign that you both need to address the problems in your marriage, and to do something to solve those problems.
It is also an opportunity to find the love and strength to set new and better directions for your marriage.
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