Is it time to slow down?

03 Oct 2007, ST, Mind Your Body

Wendy Chua K. Wand

The writer is the founder of Wand Inspiration and author of All Kids R Gifted and Break To Dawn.

Q I am 35, have been working in a prestigious law firm for seven years and am likely to be made partner in one or two years.

Although I used to enjoy my work, I am now starting to question if I am cut out for this. I work such long hours that I am always tired, and I have no time to exercise or spend time with my friends and family. I am contemplating a career change.

Recently, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I realised how little time I may have with her. I am also single and would like to get married and have a family.

Of course, there is no guarantee that I can find a man to love, or even begin to date. It has been years since I have dated. Is it ridiculous to say I want to reduce my working hours, or to change my career, because I want to stay home more and have time to date?

I am concerned that I will make a career mistake and regret it; if I am not happy, however, money and status are meaningless. Please advise.

A For most people, the mid-30s is when they start to reflect on the meaning and purpose of their lives and careers. If they have yet to create meaningful emotional connections with significant others, they are likely to have a sense of emptiness. Some deny this emptiness; others immerse themselves even more deeply in their work. Some others face up to their internal questions and so decide to make changes to their lifestyles and careers.

Your distress is exacerbated by your mother's illness and your desire to find a life partner.

How much time do you spend with your mother? How would you describe your current relationship with her - warm or distant? How would you like this relationship to be like for the remaining days of her life?

I am sure your mother appreciates the physical comfort that your money can give her. Nevertheless, she would crave your company and encouragement even more. When people think they are dying, they may have a sense of despair and wonder if they have lived their lives well. If your mother receives your care and attention, and you show your appreciation for what she has done for you, she will be happy to know that she has created a precious and worthy person in you.

How much will you regret if you lose her now, without giving her your time and showing her your love?

Your desire to date, find someone and be married will be welcomed by your mother. Of course, you must want to enter into such a commitment with confidence and personal conviction.

The risks inherent in dating and falling in love are that you may get rejected or the relationship may not work out. Compare that risk with working hard, clocking the billable hours. It looks like there is more guarantee you will succeed at a career than in love, so it's no wonder many single people choose to pay more attention to their careers.

How much is this interpersonal risk important to you?

I think that you need time to discover yourself - who you are, your strengths and contributions, your weaknesses and your goals.

If you are working long hours every week, when will you find the time for your mother, yourself, and dating? How can you recharge yourself?

You have options.

Discuss with your present firm if there are other roles you can play, depending on whether you are willing to take a pay cut or make a change within the organisation. If you are happy with the organisation and it appreciates you, you may be able to create a new role for yourself there.

The advantage of this is that you do not face too many changes while you are facing possible changes in your family. Be open with your supervisors regarding your mother's illness, and go to them with some workable solutions. Can you serve fewer clients? Can you slow down your progress towards partnership?

If this is not workable, there are roles in other organisations in which your legal training and experience can come in handy. Some lawyers have switched to become in-house counsel for organisations so they have more regular hours and serve only one organisation. They accept that they are giving up some benefits.

It is not ridiculous to make changes to your career so you have time for your mother and for a social life. You make that choice with maturity. Bear in mind your purpose for making this change, and be steadfast in pursuing your goals. Don't let other people tell you it is wrong.

It is your own life, your mother and your future. Live it wisely and with love.

Much ado about 'nothing'

01 Oct 2007, ST

Talking to a woman can be like watching Shakespeare: It requires a lot of concentration and it's difficult to understand

By Jeremy Au Yong

IT STARTED innocently enough.

I was having tea with a friend at a coffee shop. And we were engaging in what I thought was a casual chat when, out of the blue, it happened.

'It' refers to my friend getting angry with me. It would not surprise you to learn that this friend was female. Let me recount to you the chain of events leading up to this unfortunate incident.

1. The Australian World Cup (yes, World Cup!) rugby team scored a try against Fiji.

2. A cheer rang out from the TV behind me which was showing the game.

3. Instinctively, I turned my head to the TV to see what had happened.

4. No more than two seconds later, upon seeing that Australia had indeed scored a try, I turned my head back to continue the conversation with my friend.

Let me just stress at this point that guys cannot help but look at the TV if somebody scores. It might be any sport, football, cricket, canoe polo, it doesn't matter.

If there's a sudden cheer, we must look. We cannot not look. It's in our DNA.

That doesn't mean we are not paying attention to you women. For example, during the briefest of moments I had my head turned, I had diverted some extra brain power to my ears to monitor the words she was saying, just in case I was given a spot test.

Women are always giving men these listening spot tests. 'What was the last thing I said?' they will ask in a stern teacherly voice. And if you don't get it 100 per cent correct, you will be in trouble.

Sometimes - as in my case - I got it right and still got in trouble.

Apparently, she was in the midst of saying something important, something momentous, something so crucial that it required my full undivided attention.

Yes, so monumentally important and urgent this piece of information was that - in the absence of my undivided attention - it shrivelled up, died and was reduced to 'nothing'.

She: I have decided that..... (notices the turned head)

I: (turning head back after a split second) You have decided that...?

She: (with upset look) Nothing.

Now, let's consider why this has happened.

Women might say it was because I was being insensitive.

Just when someone was opening up to you about something she felt very deeply about, you decided it was more important to look at some strangers a few thousand kilometres away run with an egg-shaped ball across a line. 'How incredibly dense are you?' women will say.

Men in turn will respond that, once again, women have taken a trivial matter and blown it right out of proportion.

I say it's just one big misunderstanding.

You see, women and men have vastly different approaches to talking. For men, it's just a means of telling people what you want. For women, it's an event, an experience to be enjoyed and is full of little nuances,

That's why talking to a woman can be like watching a play by Shakespeare. It requires a lot of concentration, it's difficult to understand and it always takes longer than you think.

It's quite clear men have the far superior approach.

For example, no man would ever get angry at another for ignoring him momentarily to check out sport. As a matter of fact, men would find it quite strange if another did not actively look. ('Are you okay? You didn't look at that goal?'')

In fact, if there is a TV with sport on in the vicinity, it is quite likely all men will talk to one another without ever making any eye contact. It's a very efficient system.

Men are also more efficient with the phone. Our conversations are short and straight to the point.

('Eh, help me buy 1143, $2 big, $2 small. Okay, bye bye.')

Women, on the other hand, are unable to have a phone conversation under 30 minutes.

('Can help me buy 1143, $2 big, $2 small? It's not too much trouble, right? I mean, if it is, just let me know, I can go myself. I just thought that since you are in town you could help... Sure? Okay, thanks. Oh, do you know why I am buying this number, it's very funny. You see, yesterday my son was on the bus coming home from school when he saw this horse...')

And it goes on and on. A casual call from an old friend can take upwards of two hours. If they are planning a birthday, it can stretch to two days.

Aside from being more efficient, men are also easier to understand. That's because we adopt the dictionary meaning of the words we use. Women, on the other hand, invent new ones, especially when they are angry.

For example, 'Fine' never means 'Fine'. It means something more like 'Very very not fine and it's all your fault'.

'Nothing' means 'something very very bad that is all your fault'.

But even when they are not angry, the meanings of words tend to get muddled. Among the most problematic are 'hungry' and 'full'.

I have a friend capable of moaning about how 'hungry' she is on the way to a restaurant, and then order a salad of which she will eat only half.

I have another friend who - no matter what she eats, it could be two peanuts - will proclaim: 'I'm so full. I ate too much.'

It's indeed a serious problem. One that men and women have to tackle together.

Women can try to talk to men only when the TV is off.

Men, in turn, can try not to take everything women say literally.

It's worth a shot.

I mean, we've got 'nothing' to lose.

Salvaging a marriage

23 Sep 2007, ST

In this fortnightly series, relationship gurus Allan and Barbara Pease offer advice for you and your better half. The married couple from Australia are the authors of Why Men Lie And Women Cry. Send your questions to info@peaseinternational.com

By Allan And Barbara Pease, RELATIONSHIPS MATTER

I have been married for almost eight years and have a five-year-old son. I have had two miscarriages during our marriage.

Both times, my husband failed to give me support when I needed it. Not only did he refuse to accompany me to the monthly checks during all my pregnancies, but he also did not come to the hospital when I lost the babies.

He just told me it was okay, that we are still young and can have kids again. He did not show any concern.

I kept the pain inside me until I found comfort in a man whom I know from work. My husband found out and asked for a divorce. We are not on talking terms now.

I would like to salvage the marriage for my son's sake. I suggested that we go for counselling but he refused, saying he doesn't need it.


Barbara says: I feel for you. There are no words to describe the despair over losing a child, and to be left alone in such an emotional state must have been very hurtful and disappointing.

But have you considered that your husband may have suffered just as much as you, but tried to find comfort in assuring himself and you that both of you are still young enough to have other children?

Men can feel very helpless in such a situation and it would have probably helped him if you had said you needed his support.

Allan says: It is, indeed, very difficult for men to openly discuss their feelings, and even more so over delicate matters such as yours. It is very important to communicate your needs to your husband, so he doesn't have to guess.

Your finding comfort in another man must have been a blow to his masculine pride too.

What you should do: To save your marriage, open up to each other's needs. Honesty and great communication is the key to a successful relationship. But so are trust and respect.

You have made a mistake, and you are probably still holding a grudge against him for failing you when you needed him. So in a way, you both have betrayed your trust and love for each other. Address this issue first.

Counselling is a good idea, but here again, it is difficult for a man to admit that his marriage needs help. It would probably help if you start opening up first.

Tell him exactly how his seemingly careless behaviour in significant times of your lives has hurt you and tell him that you want that to change.

Then give him the chance to tell you how he feels. If you offer him respect and love and truthful communication, he might find it easier to open up.

--------------------------------

After 18 months, my girlfriend ended our relationship, claiming I was immature.

I now realise my mistakes: My self-esteem was low, I had bad grades in school, I wasn't motivated or ambitious, and I complained a lot. I was basically a living corpse.

Now she is seeing a 43year-old manager. I don't believe she is as happy as she says she is. I have accepted her new life and I'm happy we are still friends.

But when we see each other at singing lessons, I realise that I am still not over her. I am snappy and still hold grudges against her.


Barbara says: I can understand your unhappiness, but you have already taken the most important step in realising and admitting your problem. That takes a lot of courage in itself and the next steps will come naturally.

Try not to concentrate too much on your ex-girlfriend. She has given you enough hints; it's up to you now to look at yourself, your life and where you are heading with it.

Professional help may give guidance along the way.

Allan says: Accusations of immaturity can shake your ego and intensify feelings of unworthiness.

However, you are aware of the situation, and it is time to re-establish yourself.

Focus on the things that you like, such as sports and friends, to restore overall motivation.

Your chosen degree could also be stopping you from getting ahead. Lower grades can indicate that this is not the right field for you. Think about it and see if that choice is what you really want for your life.

What you should do: Take all aspects of your life into consideration and change the things you are not happy with. Recall where your state of being ?a living corpse? may have started and find out what triggered it.

You may very well suffer from depression and not even realise it. It may be a good idea to consult a professional about that.

Meanwhile, as you learn to manage your emotions, observe when you feel jealous and snap. See what it does to you, acknowledge those feelings and let them go.

Only when you are being yourself, feeling good about who you are and what you do can you attract the right person into your life. It may or may not be your ex-girlfriend.

Concentrate on your own revitalisation, growth and self-esteem.

Men scared of women with perfect figures

13 Sep 2007, New Paper

WOMEN, take heart and junk that diet.

According to a survey by UK women's magazine MORE, men are perfectly happy with a woman's 'wobbly bits' if she knows how to have a good time.

According to the survey, most men are not able to handle the 'pressure' of sleeping with a woman with the perfect figure.

The survey involved 1,000 men and women, reported the New Zealand Press Association (NZPA).

According to the editor of More magazine, Lisa Smosarski: 'Men like curvy women who look after themselves and have sex appeal, women who know how to have a good time without worrying about their calorie intake.

'Some men feel intimidated by women with super bodies and find it hard to talk to a body-perfect woman, let alone take their clothes off in front of her.

'The truth is, men are happy with us the way we are - it's women who point out our flaws.

' It's time we did ourselves a favour and relaxed a bit.'

The basis for Ms Smosarki's comments were the findings of the survey.

Around 88 per cent of men surveyed admitted that sleeping with the 'perfect' woman, figure-wise, would put 'too much' pressure on them.

Only 1 in 10 men preferred women with ' a great body who's dedicated to diet and exercise'.

And 88 per cent said that they would choose a woman with 'wobbly bits who's up for a good time'.

IDEAL FIGURE

So who were the most desirable women according to the men?

About 56 per cent stated that a man's ideal female body included a small waist and a big bottom.

American actress Scarlett Johansson was listed as the celebrity with the most ideal shape, according to 44 per cent of the respondents.

But in the face of such beauty, 9 out of 10 men said that they would not want to take off their own clothes in her presence.

The second most attractive shape, according to 34 per cent of men, were women with big breasts and bottoms.

In this category, singer Beyonce Knowles scored as the second most desirable body among the current crop of celebrities.

Only 6 per cent of men said that they desired skinny women.

Not surprisingly, only 3 per cent of men wanted to see 'Posh Spice' - Victoria Beckham - nude, despite her toned and taut body.

Other figure attributes that men like in women include a 'flexible' body, (40 per cent), soft (41 per cent) and curvy (90 per cent).

Think rounded tummies are undesirable? Around a third of the men (35 per cent) said that a rounded stomach was desirable.

However, one in ten men (11 per cent) said that love handles were off-putting as were flat chests, stretch marks, hairy armpits and hairy nipples.

Only a minority (14 per cent) said they found a tattoo a turn-on.

I'd rather play with the boys

10 Sep 2007, ST Life

When it comes to team sports, men are much easier to handle than women

By Sandra Leong, girltalk

THIS column is about why I like to play with men. In fact, it's about why I like to get downright dirty and sweaty with them.

Yes, I'm referring to the merits of mixed team sports. (What were you thinking?)

Call me a turncoat but I've concluded that when it comes to sport, men make much better playmates than women.

This epiphany came to me about five years ago when, as an undergraduate living on campus, I was team manager for my hall's softball team.

It was a role that I had been arm-twisted to assume (I had played the game competitively before) so that I could gain enough credits to secure a postage stamp-sized room with zero ventilation and wonky TV reception.

With most of us being fairly athletic, we embarked on a winning streak. Then one day, we dropped a game - to our arch-rivals, no less.

Still, it was no big deal.

Having won enough games to qualify for the next round, this was but a minor blip in our near-perfect record. And we had lost only because our key players had been absent, leaving some positions to be filled by new faces.

I made this point at our post-match briefing, simply to assure everyone that it was hardly the end of the road.

But hell hath no fury like an oversensitive woman.

After we dispersed, one of my teammates - who had made some costly errors during the match - assumed I was pinning the blame on her. She burst into tears and had to be comforted by her friends.

Later, another teammate rang me and asked that I apologise for what I had said. Convinced that the matter had been blown out of proportion, I refused.

For the rest of the games, the tension between Oversensitive Girl and me was so thick I feared one of us would assault the other with a bat.

My point is, the group dynamics of women is a complex beast.

In fact, if I had to personify this beast, she would probably be a shrieking banshee with claws for fingernails. Now, tell me that doesn't make you tremble.

A woman could be perfectly pleasant on her own, but surrounded by other females, hormones take over. Add in the element of sporting contest and a power struggle ensues.

My experience with the inter-hall games was just one of many instances in which I found this to be true. When I attended an all-girls secondary school, there were always stories - even from my own team - of how some girls quit their sport because of the infighting and back-stabbing that went on.

I hate to perpetuate stereotypes but the fairer sex is often associated with several negative behaviorial traits - controlling, hyper-sensitive and oh, we bear grudges better than the croaky boy in that Japanese scarefest Ju-On.

I know this because the last time I checked, I was guilty of all of the above.

Why didn't I apologise to my teammate? I guess it was the alpha female in me. Who doesn't enjoy being top dog?

Still, I'd like to think that that's all behind me.

Lately, I've been playing softball with a mixed team and so far, it has been wonderfully devoid of drama.

Men are so much more fuss-free. They show up, play hard and rarely tiptoe around one another. If a player makes a silly mistake, he doesn't wail when told to 'wake up lah, dey'.

Even if egos clash on the field, the dispute is usually resolved over a pint of beer.

The men's easy-going style seems to have rubbed off on the women - no tears and histrionics so far. More importantly, with several eligible bachelors around to impress, they can't quite afford to morph into scary, hormonal creatures, can they?

As for me, my evil alpha female instincts appear to have been dulled a little. There's little chance I can be stronger, faster and swifter than a testosterone-charged member of the opposite sex, so I would rather sit back and enjoy the ride.

Oh sssh, all you power women types crying that I've sold out.

The thing about sport that many of us forget: It really is just a game.

A woman needs a man

09 Sep 2007, ST

I've come to the realisation that a woman isn't complete unless she has a partner

By Sumiko Tan

I NEVER thought I'd say this, but here goes: A woman needs a man to be complete.

Recently, a reader mentioned how she was feeling the pressure to get married. And she's not even 30.

I wrote back to her: 'Don't let anyone pressure you into marriage, although speaking from someone who's 43, single, and looking back at my own life, if you do find a soul mate and marriage is a possibility, do grab it.

'Singlehood has its many advantages, but to be able to share a life with someone who loves you and whom you love, well, that's a happy position to be in.'

My, how the tide has turned.

For ever so long, I've been anti-marriage. Well, 'anti' is too strong a word, but I've always felt that the institution of marriage was overrated.

Perhaps it was from seeing so many people emerge broken and bruised from bad marriages. Or it could be because I grew up in a home where domestic peace was rare (although you'd think that I'd have long stopped using childhood trauma as a crutch for anything that's wrong in my adult life).

Or maybe it was a defence mechanism, given I've yet to find a man worth marrying, or whom I liked enough and who'd marry me - you know, two people so deeply connected they are willing to become stakeholders in each other's lives.

In any case, I've never bought into that whole white wedding thing. (Babies, yes, for a while, but not marriage.)

Except for a brief and regrettable period in my early 20s, I've never wasted brain cells on the treacly trimmings that others dream about when they plan their Big Day. (Raffles or the Ritz-Carlton? Pachelbel's Canon in D or Etta James' At Last? Ten-course Chinese dinner or five-course Western lunch?)

Singapore women, I've always felt, should avoid being overly dependent on men. Don't go spoiling them (or peeling prawns for them). It's more important to be happy with ourselves and to work on being self-sufficient, self-aware, self-confident and all those other fierce I-am-woman-hear-me-roar slogans.

What has caused my change of heart?

Is age - shudder - catching up with me?

THE thing I have come to dislike most about being single is attending 'couples' events.

They include concerts and plays where you're the only one invited without a 'partner' because the organisers know that, too bad, you don't have one.

And dinner parties which you bravely attend alone only to suffer tiresome couples who seem to enjoy flaunting their twosome status to singletons the whole evening.

At lunch one weekend, I saw a stomach-churning display.

A good-looking couple with baby in pram were out having a meal - well, good for them. But they kept making goo-goo eyes at each other and couldn't stop smiling. When the food came, they said grace, then actually kissed each other delightedly on the lips before turning to their meal. He then proceeded to feed her from his dish using his fork. Oh please.

My lunch companion consoled me: 'They've probably been married for just over a year, lah. It'll fade.'

And then there's going by your single self to watch movies and the cashier kindly offering you that 'single' seat at the back of the hall, segregated for wheelchair-bound people and lonely, solitary folk like you (for your information, that's seats K2 in GV Grand's hall 4 and J18 in hall 5).

Such a relentless onslaught of this singling out of singletons is enough to make even the most self-assured of independent women lose their self-esteem when, really, they should be cherishing their freedom.

BUT the inescapable truth - one that I've finally allowed myself to acknowledge - is this: Life is really much nicer when you have someone to share it with.

As an unmarried friend in his 50s puts it: 'A partner is paramount when you're older. Having regular lunches with old schoolmates is certainly not enough. The isolation can be painful.'

I'm not even talking marriage and husbands here but just the idea of having a 'mate' - yes, that frankly rather childish concept of a 'boyfriend' - in your life.

When there's someone to love, and who loves you back, isn't life so much sweeter?

A colleague who married at the relatively late age of 35 says that she's slowly realising why marriage is such a good idea.

'It really is like having a 24-hour best friend,' she says.

'Wake up together, go to work together, come home to someone to complain to, have hobbies together, go to sleep together. Ultimately, marriage is not about sex, financial security or even kids. It's about companionship and having a 24-hour friend who makes life easier most of the time.'

I suppose you could argue that companionship and fulfilment needn't necessarily be from, and with, a man.

Surely what we all hunger for is just someone or something to love, and from which we get some feelings of love and appreciation back, and must this be in the form of only a husband or boyfriend? Can't it also be from a parent, sibling or child? From a pet, even, or an exciting career?

But, oh, who are we kidding? Let's be honest. Nothing beats the frisson of commanding the time and attention of someone from the opposite sex whom you fancy and who fancies you. After all, humans are hardwired to mate.

No amount of cake and coffee with your girlfriends (sorry, girls, but you do know what I mean), or a pet dog's unconditional love, can give a woman the same happiness as when she is in the company of the man she adores and who loves her back.

The caveat, of course, is that he isn't a prince you kissed who turns out to be a frog, but someone who's kind, decent and sweet and who watches out for you.

It does involve risk and taking a leap of faith in your ability to read people.

After all, many a match starts off well but descends into hell. And hell needn't be about fights and acts of meanness. It can be plain boredom - that trapped feeling when you sit down for a meal with a supposed loved one and discover you have absolutely nothing left to say to each other anymore.

So, yes, the life of a woman will be complemented and enhanced by the right male companion.

But as my colleague also said, she'd rather be single and alone than to be married and miserable - and there are an awful lot of unhappy 'happy couples' out there.

For her, though, it really is a case of finding the right partner.

If only we were all so lucky.