23 Sep 2007, ST
In this fortnightly series, relationship gurus Allan and Barbara Pease offer advice for you and your better half. The married couple from Australia are the authors of Why Men Lie And Women Cry. Send your questions to info@peaseinternational.com
By Allan And Barbara Pease, RELATIONSHIPS MATTER
I have been married for almost eight years and have a five-year-old son. I have had two miscarriages during our marriage.
Both times, my husband failed to give me support when I needed it. Not only did he refuse to accompany me to the monthly checks during all my pregnancies, but he also did not come to the hospital when I lost the babies.
He just told me it was okay, that we are still young and can have kids again. He did not show any concern.
I kept the pain inside me until I found comfort in a man whom I know from work. My husband found out and asked for a divorce. We are not on talking terms now.
I would like to salvage the marriage for my son's sake. I suggested that we go for counselling but he refused, saying he doesn't need it.
Barbara says: I feel for you. There are no words to describe the despair over losing a child, and to be left alone in such an emotional state must have been very hurtful and disappointing.
But have you considered that your husband may have suffered just as much as you, but tried to find comfort in assuring himself and you that both of you are still young enough to have other children?
Men can feel very helpless in such a situation and it would have probably helped him if you had said you needed his support.
Allan says: It is, indeed, very difficult for men to openly discuss their feelings, and even more so over delicate matters such as yours. It is very important to communicate your needs to your husband, so he doesn't have to guess.
Your finding comfort in another man must have been a blow to his masculine pride too.
What you should do: To save your marriage, open up to each other's needs. Honesty and great communication is the key to a successful relationship. But so are trust and respect.
You have made a mistake, and you are probably still holding a grudge against him for failing you when you needed him. So in a way, you both have betrayed your trust and love for each other. Address this issue first.
Counselling is a good idea, but here again, it is difficult for a man to admit that his marriage needs help. It would probably help if you start opening up first.
Tell him exactly how his seemingly careless behaviour in significant times of your lives has hurt you and tell him that you want that to change.
Then give him the chance to tell you how he feels. If you offer him respect and love and truthful communication, he might find it easier to open up.
--------------------------------
After 18 months, my girlfriend ended our relationship, claiming I was immature.
I now realise my mistakes: My self-esteem was low, I had bad grades in school, I wasn't motivated or ambitious, and I complained a lot. I was basically a living corpse.
Now she is seeing a 43year-old manager. I don't believe she is as happy as she says she is. I have accepted her new life and I'm happy we are still friends.
But when we see each other at singing lessons, I realise that I am still not over her. I am snappy and still hold grudges against her.
Barbara says: I can understand your unhappiness, but you have already taken the most important step in realising and admitting your problem. That takes a lot of courage in itself and the next steps will come naturally.
Try not to concentrate too much on your ex-girlfriend. She has given you enough hints; it's up to you now to look at yourself, your life and where you are heading with it.
Professional help may give guidance along the way.
Allan says: Accusations of immaturity can shake your ego and intensify feelings of unworthiness.
However, you are aware of the situation, and it is time to re-establish yourself.
Focus on the things that you like, such as sports and friends, to restore overall motivation.
Your chosen degree could also be stopping you from getting ahead. Lower grades can indicate that this is not the right field for you. Think about it and see if that choice is what you really want for your life.
What you should do: Take all aspects of your life into consideration and change the things you are not happy with. Recall where your state of being ?a living corpse? may have started and find out what triggered it.
You may very well suffer from depression and not even realise it. It may be a good idea to consult a professional about that.
Meanwhile, as you learn to manage your emotions, observe when you feel jealous and snap. See what it does to you, acknowledge those feelings and let them go.
Only when you are being yourself, feeling good about who you are and what you do can you attract the right person into your life. It may or may not be your ex-girlfriend.
Concentrate on your own revitalisation, growth and self-esteem.
In this fortnightly series, relationship gurus Allan and Barbara Pease offer advice for you and your better half. The married couple from Australia are the authors of Why Men Lie And Women Cry. Send your questions to info@peaseinternational.com
By Allan And Barbara Pease, RELATIONSHIPS MATTER
I have been married for almost eight years and have a five-year-old son. I have had two miscarriages during our marriage.
Both times, my husband failed to give me support when I needed it. Not only did he refuse to accompany me to the monthly checks during all my pregnancies, but he also did not come to the hospital when I lost the babies.
He just told me it was okay, that we are still young and can have kids again. He did not show any concern.
I kept the pain inside me until I found comfort in a man whom I know from work. My husband found out and asked for a divorce. We are not on talking terms now.
I would like to salvage the marriage for my son's sake. I suggested that we go for counselling but he refused, saying he doesn't need it.
Barbara says: I feel for you. There are no words to describe the despair over losing a child, and to be left alone in such an emotional state must have been very hurtful and disappointing.
But have you considered that your husband may have suffered just as much as you, but tried to find comfort in assuring himself and you that both of you are still young enough to have other children?
Men can feel very helpless in such a situation and it would have probably helped him if you had said you needed his support.
Allan says: It is, indeed, very difficult for men to openly discuss their feelings, and even more so over delicate matters such as yours. It is very important to communicate your needs to your husband, so he doesn't have to guess.
Your finding comfort in another man must have been a blow to his masculine pride too.
What you should do: To save your marriage, open up to each other's needs. Honesty and great communication is the key to a successful relationship. But so are trust and respect.
You have made a mistake, and you are probably still holding a grudge against him for failing you when you needed him. So in a way, you both have betrayed your trust and love for each other. Address this issue first.
Counselling is a good idea, but here again, it is difficult for a man to admit that his marriage needs help. It would probably help if you start opening up first.
Tell him exactly how his seemingly careless behaviour in significant times of your lives has hurt you and tell him that you want that to change.
Then give him the chance to tell you how he feels. If you offer him respect and love and truthful communication, he might find it easier to open up.
--------------------------------
After 18 months, my girlfriend ended our relationship, claiming I was immature.
I now realise my mistakes: My self-esteem was low, I had bad grades in school, I wasn't motivated or ambitious, and I complained a lot. I was basically a living corpse.
Now she is seeing a 43year-old manager. I don't believe she is as happy as she says she is. I have accepted her new life and I'm happy we are still friends.
But when we see each other at singing lessons, I realise that I am still not over her. I am snappy and still hold grudges against her.
Barbara says: I can understand your unhappiness, but you have already taken the most important step in realising and admitting your problem. That takes a lot of courage in itself and the next steps will come naturally.
Try not to concentrate too much on your ex-girlfriend. She has given you enough hints; it's up to you now to look at yourself, your life and where you are heading with it.
Professional help may give guidance along the way.
Allan says: Accusations of immaturity can shake your ego and intensify feelings of unworthiness.
However, you are aware of the situation, and it is time to re-establish yourself.
Focus on the things that you like, such as sports and friends, to restore overall motivation.
Your chosen degree could also be stopping you from getting ahead. Lower grades can indicate that this is not the right field for you. Think about it and see if that choice is what you really want for your life.
What you should do: Take all aspects of your life into consideration and change the things you are not happy with. Recall where your state of being ?a living corpse? may have started and find out what triggered it.
You may very well suffer from depression and not even realise it. It may be a good idea to consult a professional about that.
Meanwhile, as you learn to manage your emotions, observe when you feel jealous and snap. See what it does to you, acknowledge those feelings and let them go.
Only when you are being yourself, feeling good about who you are and what you do can you attract the right person into your life. It may or may not be your ex-girlfriend.
Concentrate on your own revitalisation, growth and self-esteem.
