04 Jul 2007, ST, Mind Your Body
Q I am a 14-year-old girl studying in a top girls' school. Since young, I've always been obsessed with doing well in my studies, ever striving to be the best among my peers in terms of academics.
Unfortunately, I think I am more concerned about competing with my peers and outdoing them, instead of what should be more important - running a race against myself to always strive for the better on my own standards.
This fiercely competitive streak has been with me all through primary school, with every day being a mentally exhausting trial.
I can't relax, I don't go out with friends even when asked. I'm just always consumed with the nagging fear that I'm doing too little of what's 'productive'.
The constant striving is also taking a toll on the relationships with my loved ones. I am becoming increasingly self-centred, considering my own needs before everyone else's, such as not attending important family functions because I need the time to study.
I have extremely supportive and caring parents whom I can confide in and trust. I do not want them to have to worry about my general well-being. What should I do?
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A As a starting point for discussion, we need to make the distinction between healthy goal-setting versus perfectionism. Healthy goal-setting involves setting goals based on our own desires as opposed to adopting external standards. This does not mean that we are lowering our standards. We are merely setting goals that are realistic and attainable - usually set one step beyond what we have already achieved.
On the other hand, perfectionists tend to set excessively high and unrealistic goals, resulting in guilt and self-blame when they are unable to achieve their goals. By setting their goals too high, perfectionists set themselves up for failure and become overly self-critical after a setback.
It appears this cycle of negativity is affecting your productivity and efficiency in your studies, causing you to feel that you need more time to study. Even after achieving your goals, you may only feel a temporary satisfaction before being frustrated again at having to achieve such high standards all the time. Eventually you will start to feel that life is meaningless.
This constant striving for perfection becomes a vicious circle, and it is sometimes difficult to avoid feeling this way. This is especially so when the school environment, or society in general, places such great emphasis on grades, the types of schools we attend, our paper qualifications and achievements.
By having recognised that perfectionism is self-defeating and a race that you cannot possibly win, you have already taken the most important step towards breaking this circle. The next step is to challenge your accustomed ways of thinking in areas where the need to be perfect has been entrenched:
>>Reduce the tendency to view experiences in only two extremes, sometimes referred to as black and white thinking. This sort of thinking is unhealthy, as you evaluate events only as successes or failures.
There is no middle ground and no room for other possibilities. You make judgments about yourself based on how good or bad you are, on whether you outdid your peers or not.
By judging the world and your life experiences this way, you overlook the fact that your judgments are opinions and not facts. Also, life is full of variations between these two extremes.
No one person is completely brilliant in everything or completely incompetent. Evaluate your experience or performance in school on a range of 0 to 100. When things do not turn out they way you want them to, evaluate it as a partial success rather than a complete failure.
>>Set realistically achievable goals. Set goals one step beyond what you have already accomplished. Instead of 100 per cent, aim to achieve 80 per cent of your goal.
>>Survey your thoughts. Talk to someone you trust and ask them if they think your thoughts are realistic. For example, you may ask your parents or teachers if it is realistic for you to deprive yourself of breaks or doing things you enjoy.
>>Re-attribute the problem. People tend to blame themselves for a problem they are not entirely responsible for.
Instead of thinking that it was your fault for not doing well in a test or getting a higher grade than your peers, or blaming yourself for the whole problem, think about the many other contributing factors.
Focus on solving the problem objectively and learning from the experience, rather than blame yourself entirely and feeling even more self-critical.
If you continue to have problems sleeping, feel tearful, stressed and guilty, or are unable to forgive yourself when problems arise, it is advisable that you see a psychologist for professional help.
MS FRANCES YEO, SENIOR PSYCHOLOGIST, PSYCHOLOGY SERVICE, KK WOMEN'S AND CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
Q I am a 14-year-old girl studying in a top girls' school. Since young, I've always been obsessed with doing well in my studies, ever striving to be the best among my peers in terms of academics.
Unfortunately, I think I am more concerned about competing with my peers and outdoing them, instead of what should be more important - running a race against myself to always strive for the better on my own standards.
This fiercely competitive streak has been with me all through primary school, with every day being a mentally exhausting trial.
I can't relax, I don't go out with friends even when asked. I'm just always consumed with the nagging fear that I'm doing too little of what's 'productive'.
The constant striving is also taking a toll on the relationships with my loved ones. I am becoming increasingly self-centred, considering my own needs before everyone else's, such as not attending important family functions because I need the time to study.
I have extremely supportive and caring parents whom I can confide in and trust. I do not want them to have to worry about my general well-being. What should I do?
----------------------------------
A As a starting point for discussion, we need to make the distinction between healthy goal-setting versus perfectionism. Healthy goal-setting involves setting goals based on our own desires as opposed to adopting external standards. This does not mean that we are lowering our standards. We are merely setting goals that are realistic and attainable - usually set one step beyond what we have already achieved.
On the other hand, perfectionists tend to set excessively high and unrealistic goals, resulting in guilt and self-blame when they are unable to achieve their goals. By setting their goals too high, perfectionists set themselves up for failure and become overly self-critical after a setback.
It appears this cycle of negativity is affecting your productivity and efficiency in your studies, causing you to feel that you need more time to study. Even after achieving your goals, you may only feel a temporary satisfaction before being frustrated again at having to achieve such high standards all the time. Eventually you will start to feel that life is meaningless.
This constant striving for perfection becomes a vicious circle, and it is sometimes difficult to avoid feeling this way. This is especially so when the school environment, or society in general, places such great emphasis on grades, the types of schools we attend, our paper qualifications and achievements.
By having recognised that perfectionism is self-defeating and a race that you cannot possibly win, you have already taken the most important step towards breaking this circle. The next step is to challenge your accustomed ways of thinking in areas where the need to be perfect has been entrenched:
>>Reduce the tendency to view experiences in only two extremes, sometimes referred to as black and white thinking. This sort of thinking is unhealthy, as you evaluate events only as successes or failures.
There is no middle ground and no room for other possibilities. You make judgments about yourself based on how good or bad you are, on whether you outdid your peers or not.
By judging the world and your life experiences this way, you overlook the fact that your judgments are opinions and not facts. Also, life is full of variations between these two extremes.
No one person is completely brilliant in everything or completely incompetent. Evaluate your experience or performance in school on a range of 0 to 100. When things do not turn out they way you want them to, evaluate it as a partial success rather than a complete failure.
>>Set realistically achievable goals. Set goals one step beyond what you have already accomplished. Instead of 100 per cent, aim to achieve 80 per cent of your goal.
>>Survey your thoughts. Talk to someone you trust and ask them if they think your thoughts are realistic. For example, you may ask your parents or teachers if it is realistic for you to deprive yourself of breaks or doing things you enjoy.
>>Re-attribute the problem. People tend to blame themselves for a problem they are not entirely responsible for.
Instead of thinking that it was your fault for not doing well in a test or getting a higher grade than your peers, or blaming yourself for the whole problem, think about the many other contributing factors.
Focus on solving the problem objectively and learning from the experience, rather than blame yourself entirely and feeling even more self-critical.
If you continue to have problems sleeping, feel tearful, stressed and guilty, or are unable to forgive yourself when problems arise, it is advisable that you see a psychologist for professional help.
MS FRANCES YEO, SENIOR PSYCHOLOGIST, PSYCHOLOGY SERVICE, KK WOMEN'S AND CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
