25 June 2007, ST
By Jessica Lim
ANYONE can relate to this: coming out to their parents about sex, alcohol or smoking.
In Singapore, we have an unspoken understanding - a policy of 'don't ask, don't tell'.
All of which means parents will consistently deny their children's vices, an exceptional talent honed over the years especially when it comes to the top three.
The alternative?
Any inquest into why you dragged yourself home - reeking of cigarette smoke and alcohol at three in the morning - is answered in another code. Project work, an inconsiderate neighbour smoking in the elevator or vigorous exercise to explain the flush.
In turn, parents respond by averting their eyes from the telltale hickey and nod.
As teens, we start by stepping up the game. We keep doors ajar when boyfriends come over, or don long-sleeved sweaters over halter tops when their parents are around.
But I vividly recall the day I broke that code.
When I was 17, I decided to tell the truth.
During an after-dinner conversation, my parents asked me what I had accomplished the night before at a supposed 'study-sleepover' with my girlfriends.
Biting my tongue, I stopped myself from regurgitating the few facts I knew about global warming and the lifespan of whales.
Instead, I blurted out that I had spent the night with a boy I had been seeing for the past year. We had not been doing project work.
And, since I was at it, I threw in other nuggets: I drank every weekend and lied about having to stay back after school all those times.
My dad left the table, and slammed the door behind him - hard.
A day later, everything went back to normal. Better than that, in fact. They even invited my then-boyfriend home for dinner.
I had broken the cycle of 'don't tell' by treating my parents as equals.
In turn, my parents were forced to confront the fact that their baby girl was no longer a child.
It was a paradigm shift in our relationship. Parents find it difficult to cut those apron strings because it means letting their child loose into a dangerous world of adults.
Youth, in turn, fear that revealing too much about their private lives would be like asking for a curfew.
But the longer the code exists, the more honesty is eroded.
Sure, no two parents react the same way.
And there is the fear that the initial storm might rage out of control or do irreparable damage.
But perhaps, a relationship free of deceit will at least be the better for it.
By Jessica Lim
ANYONE can relate to this: coming out to their parents about sex, alcohol or smoking.
In Singapore, we have an unspoken understanding - a policy of 'don't ask, don't tell'.
All of which means parents will consistently deny their children's vices, an exceptional talent honed over the years especially when it comes to the top three.
The alternative?
Any inquest into why you dragged yourself home - reeking of cigarette smoke and alcohol at three in the morning - is answered in another code. Project work, an inconsiderate neighbour smoking in the elevator or vigorous exercise to explain the flush.
In turn, parents respond by averting their eyes from the telltale hickey and nod.
As teens, we start by stepping up the game. We keep doors ajar when boyfriends come over, or don long-sleeved sweaters over halter tops when their parents are around.
But I vividly recall the day I broke that code.
When I was 17, I decided to tell the truth.
During an after-dinner conversation, my parents asked me what I had accomplished the night before at a supposed 'study-sleepover' with my girlfriends.
Biting my tongue, I stopped myself from regurgitating the few facts I knew about global warming and the lifespan of whales.
Instead, I blurted out that I had spent the night with a boy I had been seeing for the past year. We had not been doing project work.
And, since I was at it, I threw in other nuggets: I drank every weekend and lied about having to stay back after school all those times.
My dad left the table, and slammed the door behind him - hard.
A day later, everything went back to normal. Better than that, in fact. They even invited my then-boyfriend home for dinner.
I had broken the cycle of 'don't tell' by treating my parents as equals.
In turn, my parents were forced to confront the fact that their baby girl was no longer a child.
It was a paradigm shift in our relationship. Parents find it difficult to cut those apron strings because it means letting their child loose into a dangerous world of adults.
Youth, in turn, fear that revealing too much about their private lives would be like asking for a curfew.
But the longer the code exists, the more honesty is eroded.
Sure, no two parents react the same way.
And there is the fear that the initial storm might rage out of control or do irreparable damage.
But perhaps, a relationship free of deceit will at least be the better for it.
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